


Call Me Maybe

by SimplyEssa



Series: Lifeline [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe : Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, E.T by Katy Perry, Fluff, Hostage Situations, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Sex Slaves, Non Consensual touching, Phone Calls, Protective Lance (Voltron), Self Harm, Sex Jokes, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 12:32:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyEssa/pseuds/SimplyEssa
Summary: A sequel of One Call Away, all told through a series of unfortunate phone calls.





	Call Me Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> so ... i said i’d write... irl moments... of one call away, but... i couldn’t find the motivation for it, yknow? i tried but t came out really badly and aAAAA (one day, i might do it, but t wont be in the near future). anyways!! i came up with this, instead! it’s a sequel uwu  
> now, keep in mind, i absolutely love lotor, and i wrote this fic almost five months ago on a long as Hecc car ride on google documents on a phone
> 
> keith = normal  
> lance = italic  
> shiro = bold  
> allura = bold + italics  
> matthew = bold + underline  
> hunk = italics + underline  
> pidge = all three  
> underline = extra characters (will be revealed)  
> lotor = ...no spoilers >:)
> 
>  
> 
> enjoy!!

_“You’re— You’re an alien.”_

“What—“

_“Your touch so far away—“_

“Lance—“

_“It’s supernatural—“_

“Oh my god—“

_“Extra-terrestrial.”_

“I hate you.”

_“I know you mean lo-ove!”_

“...I guess I do.”

_“Aw, you’re so cute—!”_

* * *

 

“Did you feed Red?”

_“Of course I did, who do you take me for—“_

“Are you lying?”

_A gasp. “Lying?! Me? How dare you accuse me of such slander—“_

“Sweetheart, Red is trying to open the can herself.”

_“...and..?”_

“And, she only does that when she hasn’t been fed, or if she’s hungry.”

_“I swear I fed her—“_

“Lance—“

_“Seriously! Count the cans!”_

“You know I count the cans?”

_“You count a lot of stuff, babe.”_

“...how did you know?”

_“You count under your breath when you’re stressed.”_

“...I— Hey!”

_“What is it, darling dearest, light of my life, star—“_

“Stop distracting me!”

_“Oh, sorry, babe! A bit of turbulence—“_

“You aren’t on a plane!”

_“I forgot the word! Love you!”_

“La—“

* * *

 

“Do I count stuff?”

**“Everyone counts things, Keith.”**

“Yeah, but, like…”

**“Like?”**

_“I’m— I’m not sure. I’ll call you back.”_

**“Alright. Stay safe, kiddo.”**

“I’m twenty one, I’m—“

**“Keith.”**

“Yes?”

**“You’re always gonna be my baby brother.”**

“...I love you, you know that, right?”

**“I love you, too.”**

_***  
“Was this you?”_

“Was what me?”

_“The shark taped to our door?”_

“Oh, yeah, of course it was. Who else?”

_“...why?”_

“Quote, unquote, because there are a lot of children on our floor, and I couldn’t have them steal it.”

_“...I love you.”_

“I love you, too.”

* * *

_  
“Why are you calling at such an ungodly hour—“_

**”Lance.”**

_“It’s two in the ducking morning, Shiro—“_

**“Duck?”**

_“I don’t cuss in front of children.”_

**“You had kids?!”**

_“No. Stuffed animals. What do you want?”_

**“...Crap.”**

_“Goodnight, asshole.”_

* * *

  
**“Does anyone else feel like something is horribly wrong?”**

_“OH MY GOD, SHIRO—“_

_ “What’s up?” _

_“Betrayal.”_

**“I’m not sure. I, just… something doesn’t feel right.”**

_ “Aw, man, I’ve been feeling that all day.” _

**“So, it’s not just me?”**

_Lancey Lance has left the call._

_ “Guess not, man. Wow, I thought this was just me, too! I’m so happy someone else has that feeling as well and I’m not just going crazy—“ _

**_“Has anyone talked to Keith recently?”_ **

**“I called him earlier today.”**

_Lancey Lance has joined the call._

_“Which one of you maniacs has Keith? I miss my cuddle buddy.”_

**“He’s not with you?”**

_“No..? I thought he was at Pidge’s.”_

**“He— maybe.”**

_**“I’ll call Matt.”** _

_“Why not Pidge?”_

_**“She’s out of town, and Matt’s apartment watching.”** _

_**My QUEEN has left the call.** _

* * *

 

** “If I haven’t answered, I’m fucking Shiro into the ground—“ **

* * *

 

_**My QUEEN has joined the call.** _

_**“Matt didn’t pick up.”** _

_“Shit, fuck, shit—“_

_ “Where are they?! Oh my god, what if they died? What if they got ABDUCTED BY ALIENS?!” _

**“Everyone calm—“**

**Daddy has left the call.**

* * *

 

** “Collect call from the meme man.” **

“One moment, please.”

**“Matt?”**

** “Hey, babe—“ **

**“Where are you?”**

** “Um…” **

**“Fucking—“**

** “Calm down. I know this is weird—“ **

**“Weird is an understatement, Matt.”**

** “Whatever. On a scale of one to ten, one being calm and ten being ‘I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND’, how calm are you?” **

**“Three.”**

** “Babe—“ **

**“Seven.”**

** “Alright, so, I love you, but I’m hanging up.” **

**“Matt—“**

** ”Don’t forget to pay the nice robot lady!” **

* * *

****  
**“Collect call from your daddy.”**

_ **“One moment, please.”** _

_“Matt, what the fuck? You know Shiro’s my daddy.”_

** “Back off, bitch, he’s mine.” **

_A snort of laughter. “Where are you? Aren’t you supposed to be watching Pidge’s apartment?”_

** “See, I was, but—“ Quiet groaning. “I took Baebae for a walk, ran into Keith, and—“ **

_“Keith is with you?!”_

** “Yeah, anyways—“ **

_“Put him on!”_

** “Lance, listen—“ **

_“Let me talk—“_

** “Lance!” **

_“Shit, sorry, sorry. What’s wrong? Where are you guys?”_

** “I have no idea where we are, to start.” **

_“You guys are idiots—“_

** “Keith knows, but he’s… not in the best condition to talk, right now.” **

_“Scratch that, you’re an idiot. What happened? Is Keith okay?”_

** “He’s fine, you worry wart, just wasted beyond all hell.” **

_“Then why won’t he answer his phone?! Why is he wasted?”_

** “Because it’s dead. So is mine, actually.” **

_“When we find you, I’m kicking your fucking ass, Matthew Barthalameu Holt.”_

** “How do you know my middle name?!” **

_“A magician never reveals their secrets.”_

** “Did-“ **

_“WHERE DID YOU TAKE MY BABY?”_

**“I didn’t take him anywhere! I was taking Baebae on a walk, and I saw him walking home, so I joined him!”**

_“Keep going if you value your fucking mouth, Matt; a quote from my queen.”_

** “Yeah, yeah. Keith had a rough day at work, so I brought him to that bar so we could talk— after bring Baebae home. He was just frustrated about his coworkers, Nyma and Beezer, I think? Anyways, they were being stupid and driving him nuts. He hates his new job, by the way.” **

_“Yeah, I know. I’m gonna see if Coran has another opening— he absolutely loved working for him.”_

** “Yeah. So, another co-worker, Rolo—“ **

_“I hate that dude!”_

** “Me too. Anyways, he saw Keith and was already drunk, and was clinging to him and shit, which Keith did not enjoy, by the way, and Keith, uh… got drunk?” **

_“He’s going to want to bash his head in with a rock tomorrow morning.”_

** “Yep. We’re, uh… somewhere, but my phone was at 10% when I left and it’s shitty, so it died, and Keith’s was wasted during the day.” **

_“Okay, then. So… why haven’t you guys come back?”_

** “Rolo invited us to this party thing, and I swear I tried to get him to not go, but he refused, and we went, and now I have no idea where we are.” **

_“Y’know, that’s really relieving to hear. I thought Keith got killed.”_

** A snort of laughter. “Yeah, well, sorry about that. Get our queen to track my phone.” **

_“Will do.”_

* * *

  
“Why did you let me get drunk?”

** “You were stressed, man.” **

“I hate you.”

** “Nah.” **

* * *

** ** _  
“When’s your break?”_

“About five minutes. Why?”

_“Just wanted to talk. I’ll call you back.”_

“Alright. I l—“

* * *

_  
“Ready to talk?”_

“...I want to say ‘no’ but I feel like ‘yes’ is the right answer.”

_“Ding, ding, ding, you got the right answer.”_

“Yeah, yeah. What’s up?”

_“Wedding plans?”_

“Oh— oh my god, okay.”

_“Uh..?”_

“I thought this was a break up call, or something.”

_“Why would I— you know what, nevermind. We’ll talk about it later.”_

“No, no, it—“

_“Anyways! I’m care home from work early and I figured ‘why not’, you know? Gotta get this done sooner or later.”_

“I guess. I can come home early if you wanna plan it together?”

_“Only if you can, baby. I wanted to have it on our anniversary, though.”_

“Lance, that will be our anniversary—“

_“When we started dating. Our dating anniversary.”_

“I guess we’d remember it easier.”

_“Yeah!”_

“God, you’re adorable. I got Rolo to cover for me.”

_“Alrighty! I’ll see you later, baby! Love you!”_

“Love you, too.”

* * *

  
** “Ha— ha, ha… d-do you think— think that Lance’s hips lie?” **

* * *

** ** _  
**“Matthew said your hips lie.”** _

* * *

_  
“MATTHEW FUCKING HOLT, MY HIPS DO NOT LIE! WHAT THE FUCK?”_

** “Ha… ha, ha…” **

_“Motherfucking asshole.”_

** “You— you kiss your mother with—“ **

* * *

****  
“Hello?”

_“ **Is** this Keith Kogane?”_

“Who is this?”

_**“Lotor** Daizabaal, of Daizabaal’s Tech.”_

“...oh. Did you need something?”

_**“Actually** , yes. We’ve seen one your resume from Sendak Galra, who has highly recommended you. We were wondering if you’d like a job here as an intern?”_

“How much does it pay?”

_**“As** long as it is reasonable, you may choose your own salary.”_

“Work days?”

_**“Just** like your salary. It is your choice.”_

“Can I call you back?”

_**“Of** course, but I must warn you; if you do not call back within the first forty-eight hours of being called, you have lost the job.”_

“Alright. Thank you.”

* * *

 

“I got a job offer.”

_“From who?”_

“Daizabaal Technologies.”

_“Did— Are you— Daizabaal? Really?”_

“...Yeah. Is that bad?”

_“That place is sketchy as fuck, Keith!”_

“Why? Lotor seemed—“

_“Lotor?!”_

“What?”

_“Lotor’s that douche—“_

“He seemed nice—“

_“Who doesn’t know how to print a piece of fucking paper!”_

“I feel like you’re exaggerating, here.”

_“A little bit! Point is, he’s an asshole who I don’t want near you.”_

“It was an internship; I doubt I’ll be _his_ intern, Lance.”

_“You— He offered you a job as an intern?”_

“Yes!”

_“Yeah, so, no. You’re not working there.”_

“You can’t decide for me!”

_“Maybe not, but here we are! Internships in their stupid heads means test subject!”_

“That— no it doesn’t, Lance, what the hell?”

_“Yes, it does! My—“_

“For fucks sake, Lance, it’s just an internship. He’s letting me pick my days and salaries. I’m taking it.”

_“Keith—“_

“Goodbye.”

* * *

  
**“Hello?”**

“God, he’s so fucking infuriating! I got a new job offer, and they’re letting me choose my salary and days, and Lance is against it because he thinks they have a fucking warped perception of internships!”

**“A new job offer? For where?”**

“Daizabaal Technologies.”

**“That place has some bad history. Are you sure you want to work there?”**

“Oh, god, not you too.”

**“He’s just concerned for your safety, Keith.”**

“Why is he concerned? It’s just an internship. It’s not like I’m going to be glued to a machine.”

**“I’m not sure, Keith, but maybe you should listen to L—“**

“Goodbye, Shiro.”

**“K—“**

* * *

****  
“I’d like to know more about the job.”

_**“That** is understandable. I can set up a meeting for a week from now, 9am sharp. Would that be alright?”_

“Yes. Thanks.”

* * *

  
“All of his previous interns have gone missing.”

_“I fucking told you—“_

“Shut up for a second. Does Pidge have any signal in— where even is she?”

_“She texted the group chat last night that, no, she wouldn’t, and she’s in West Virginia.”_

“Shit. Okay, thanks, love you, gotta go. I’ll be home late.”

_“Love you—“_

* * *

_  
(3) Missed calls from mi amor <3_

_***  
(8) Unread texts from mi amor<3_

* * *

_  
“Hey, baby, I’m so sorry I didn’t—“_

“It’s fine— fuck—“

_“Are you okay? Why are you so quiet?”_

“They’re trying to sell me!”

_“What—“_

“He’s organized this ring of— fuck, ow— drugs, and he’s selling his interns to the highest bidder as a sex slave!”

_“Holy— oh my god. What— that’s—“_

“Just— I’m in the basement of Daizabaal building, and the number for the fucking police is blocked and this building, and—“ Screaming. Heavy footsteps. “Shit, fuck, okay, g-gotta go—“

_“Wai—“_

* * *

_  
“DAIZABAAL BUILDING, RIGHT NOW.”_

_**“What’s going on?”** _

**“Are you okay?”**

_ “Lance—“ _

_“THERE IS— NO FUCKING TIME TO EXPLAIN. SHIRO, BRING YOUR BADGE.”_

_Lancey Lance has left the call._

* * *

_  
“...I’ve never seen you more badass in my life, Lance.”_

_“Aw, shucks—“_

_“I love you. My boss is calling me in for work because apparently I can’t take a day off, but… wow.”_

_“DON’T SEEM SO SURPRISED, JEEZ, BABE—“_

“I love you.”

_“Love you, too!”_

* * *

_  
“Honey.”_

“That’s new—“

_“WHERE’S MY SUPERSUIT?”_

* * *

_  
“Do you think her actual name is Honey?”_

“Yes.”

* * *

_  
“Wanna help me—“_

** “Hide a body?” **

_“No—“_

_“Build a snowman?”_

_“No—“_

**“Beat Captain America?”**

_“Shiro, no—“_

_**“M-mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good…”** _

_Keith has left the call._

_Lancey Lance has left the call._

_**Daddy has left the call.** _

_ Cinnamon Role has left the call. _

_ “ **I’m so proud of you, ‘Lura.”** _

_**“Thank you.”** _

* * *

****__  
  
“THAT MOMENT WAS INCREDIBLY HEARTBREAKING AND HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUCH A JOKE—“

_**“I don’t wanna go…”** _

_“YOU’RE NO LONGER MY FUCKING QUEEN. BURN, BITCH.”_

* * *

  
“Meet me in the fucking pit, Allura.”

_**“But, I don’t feel—“** _

* * *

****  
**“I’m so proud of you.”**

_**“You left the call.”** _

**“Keith would kill me.”**

_**“And Lance.”** _

**“Yes—“**

* * *

****_**  
“SHIRO SAID HE’S PROUD OF ME.”** _

* * *

****_  
“YOU MOTHERFUCKING TEXAN—“_

**“I’m not even from Texas.”**

_“AND I’M NOT FROM URANUS, BUT I’M STILL PREPARED TO KICK DADDY’S—“_

* * *

_  
“I just got the weirdest look from a co-worker.”_

“Which?”

_“Romelle.”_

“Ew. She flirts with you.”

_“I shut her down.”_

“Still. I’ll kill her.”

_“KEITH, YOU WERE ON SPEAKER, OH MY GOD—“_

“I wasn’t lying.”

_“...You have no idea how much I love you.”_

“I think I’ve got an idea.”

_“JUST AN IDEA? PREPARE TO BE FUCKING PAMPERED AND LOVED WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE— No, not you, Romelle. Why did you— you know what, I don’t care.”_

“My knife needs to be sharpened.”

_“She can hear you—“_

“My knife needs to be sharpened, Lance.”

_“Yeah, okay. Love you.”_

* * *

_  
“WAIT, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN—“_

“Doesn’t matter. Also, uh, the landlord was not happy with what I did. _”_

_“What did you do?”_

“Love you, bye.”

* * *

_  
“KISS ME, K-K-KISS ME—“_

“How much coffee?”

_“INFECT ME WITH YOUR LOVE AND FILL ME WITH YOUR POISON—“_

“I was hoping for gentle sex this time. Damn.”

_“TAKE ME, T-T-TAKE ME, WANNA BE A VICTIM, READY FOR AFFECTION—“_

“Hurry up. Lingerie is really uncomfortable.”

_“YOU’RE— Wait, what—“_

“Shit, that was supposed to be a surprise—“

_“I LOVE YOU, SO FUCKING MUCH—“_

* * *

_  
“Dora’s hips lie.”_

_ “That’s nice.” _

_“THEY LIE, HUNK—“_

* * *

  
“We’re watching Netflix and fucking when you get home.”

_“Deal—“_

“This isn’t negotiable.”

_“FUCKING DEAL—“_

* * *

_  
“We can fuck to Paw Patrol’s theme song—“_

“No.”

* * *

_  
“YOU’RE— YOU’RE AN ALIEN—“_

“Lance, what’s with you and that song—“

_“I’m serious.”_

“I’m not an alien.”

_“You’re from Canada, though—“_

* * *

_  
“We’re out of bandages.”_

“We are?”

_“Yeah. A week ago, though, there were two full boxes.”_

“Oh.”

_“Yeah, oh. I thought you were—“_

_***  
“Baby, it’s okay. I’m not gonna—“_

“I— I’m s-sorry, I—“

_“Are you crying?”_

“N-no—“

_“Baby, come home. I’m not mad.”_

“...p-promise?”

_“I promise.”_

“...okay.”

* * *

_  
“BABE, WE CAN’T REWRITE THE STARS—“_

“What—“

_“No, that’s not your line. I say that, and you say ‘so why don’t we—“_

“It’s not in that order, and I’m not singing _.”_

_“Pleeeeease?”_

“No.”

_“Pretty please?”_

“No.”

_“With the biggest blob of peanut butter—“_

_“_ Peanut butter?”

_“On top?”_

“...I’ll be home in ten minutes.”

_“FUCK YES, WE’RE RECREATING THIS SHIT FRAME BY FRAME, WE’LL—“_

“Okay, yeah, whatever you want. Love you.”

_“I LOVE YOU, TOO!”_

* * *

_  
“I LOVE MY FIANCÉ.”_

_ “I know.” _

_“OKAY, BUT, MORE THAN NORMAL.”_

_ “What’s up?” _

_“OKAY, SO, YOU KNOW HOW EASILY I GET INTO LOVE SONGS, AND I FOUND THIS ONE FROM SOME MUSICAL, IT’S CALLED REWRITE THE STARS, SO I WATCHED THE MUSICAL, AND ZENDAYA AND ZAC EFRON DID A DUET THAT I FOUND REALLY COOL, AND I KNOW KEITH LOVES THAT SONG, AND WE RENTED OUT A SPACE IN THE GYM, AND—“_

_ “Videos?” _

_“FROM EVERY ANGLE. THE CREW SAW US DOING IT AND STARTED FILMING—“_

_ “That’s so cool. Send me the videos.” _

_“OF COURSE.”_

* * *

_  
“Tweet, tweet, tweet—“_

_** “If you say tweet one more time I’ll chop your dick off.” ** _

_“But then I won’t be able to lift—“_

_** “Nope, don’t need to hear this—“ ** _

_“Weights!”_

* * *

  
“Wanna go cryptid hunting?”

_ **“No, thanks. I’m really tired. Next time?”** _

_“...yeah. Next time.”_

* * *

  
“Is Pidge okay?”

** “I think so, why?” **

“She didn’t wanna go cryptid hunting. She never turns it down.”

** “She said no?” **

“Yeah.”

** “I’ll talk to her.” **

* * *

** ** _  
“Do you ever actually think about what Slav says?”_

**“Yes, and then I think about a reality where I’m wringing his neck.”**

_“...geez. Didn’t know you had a violent kink.”_

**“Your point, Lance?”**

_“Don’t got one. Just wanted to hear you say it so I could record it!”_

**“Why?”**

_“To win a bet.”_

* * *

_  
“Pay up.”_

** “Fuck.” **

* * *

** **  
** “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?” **

_** “It was.” ** _

** “Pidge—“ **

_** “If I ran faster, he wouldn’t have gotten pinned. Maybe if—“ ** _

** “Pidge, did you make him carry you?” **

_** “...no.” ** _

** “Did you set the forest on fire?” **

_** “...no.” ** _

** “Did you use your tiny little arms to push the tree on him, or push him into the tree?” **

_** “...no…” ** _

** “It’s not your fault. I can promise you Keith doesn’t blame you.” **

_** “...But—“ ** _

** “No. No buts.” **

_** “...okay. Thanks, Matt.” ** _

** “No problem for my tiny, baby—“ **

_** “One more word, and I’ll tear your balls off of your body.” ** _

** “But Shiro—“ **

_** “Nope.” ** _

* * *

** ** _  
“So, at Walmart, there’s a claw machine filled with rubber ducks.”_

“...Okay?”

_“We have children now.”_

* * *

_  
** “How about next week? I’ve got something to do later.” ** _

“That’s cool. Thanks, Pidge. Good luck.”

* * *

  
“Lotor got a bail.”

_** “Fuck, okay. I’ll do some digging to get him back into jail.” ** _

_“Thanks, Pidge.”_

_ **“No problem.”** _

* * *

**** _  
“Holy crap, Keith—“ _

“That wasn’t me.”

_ “But—“ _

“Lance directed me.”

_**“I’m pretending to not have heard that and say excellent headshot, Keith!”** _

_“That was me, you dicks!”_

* * *

  
“Let’s have a beach wedding.”

_“What— you? Beach?”_

“Yeah, sure. You love the beach, and—“

_“No, no, no, babe, don’t do it for me. What do you want?”_

“I want what you want.”

_“Me too.”_

“Then I want it at the beach.”

_“I sincerely doubt that—“_

“As long as the ceremony part is inside of something, and we’re not standing on sand, then I want the beach.”

_“Really?”_

“Yes.”

_“I love you.”_

“I love you too.”

* * *

_  
“Oh my god, this poor couple.”_

“What is it?”

_“You know how it’s like, fucking pouring out, right?”_

“...yeah, and?”

_“They’re on a motorcycle, and their license plate says Virginia. That’s such a long drive, and they’re absolutely soaked—“_

“Ask them if they’ve met Mothman.”

_“Oh my god.”_

* * *

_  
“I’m at Spencer’s.”_

“Ew.”

_“You love their shit.”_

“Yeah, their backpacks.”

_“That’s what I’m here for!”_

“...really?”

_“Yes. Would you like one?”_

“...the alien one?”

_“Got it. Love ya!”_

“Love you too.”

* * *

  
“Who the fuck told Lotor my address?”

** “I, in fact, did not, because he was in jail and a bad dude. Why?” **

**“Nope. Do you need me to come over?”**

_“I’m on my way, Keith.”_

“No, it’s fine, I locked the doors and windows, but—“

_“...but?”_

Keef has left the call.

_“Fuck.”_

* * *

_  
“Babe?”_

“My phone died. Sorry.”

_“...oh my god, okay. I was terrified.”_

“...sorry.”

_“It’s fine. I’ll be home soon, what do you want for dinner?”_

“I love you—“

_“What—“_

* * *

  
“So, uh, when I got there, Lotor… kind of… took Keith—“

_“HE TOOK KEITH?!”_

_**“Oh my.”** _

**“I have a gun.”**

_“Shut up, you guys! He’s fine. Lotor took him hostage, but I… uh, he didn’t see me, and I managed to hit him with a hammer. ”_

_“...Wow.”_

_ “...Yeah. The cops asked some questions but we’re alone now.” _

_**“Do I need to commit murder?”** _

_“Aka: Is Keith okay? Please tell me he’s okay.“_

_ “He looks fine? He’s a bit shaken up, but he’s not hurt. If he is, he hasn’t told me, and I can’t see anything.” _

_“Good. Okay, so, uh, I’ll be there in like, ten minutes.”_

**“I’m pulling in now. There’s a lot of police cars here.”**

_ “I know, right?!” _

**“Does he need anything?”**

_ “Hey, buddy, do you want anything?” _

**“We can’t hear him; did he say anything?”**

_ “He said Lance, and, uh, I told him you’re coming, Lance, and assuming Kashi is Shiro— Shiro’s hot chocolate.” _

_**“See if he wants anything from McDonalds.”** _

_ “He says a sausage and egg mcmuffin.” _

_**“I heard seven sausage and egg mcmuffins.”** _

_“Please don’t make my fiancé fat.”_

_**“Sh. Let him do what he wants to.”** _

_“He wants one—“_

_ “He’s not opposed to seven.” _

_“...Fuck.” ****_

* * *

_  
“Hey, baby, how you doing?”_

“When are you coming back?”

_“Just a few more minutes.”_

“...okay.”

_“I love you, by the way.”_

“...I love you too.”

* * *

  
“God, I’m gonna go stir crazy.”

_“Aw, babe. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”_

“Red’s stuck in the fucking vent for the third time today.”

_“...Maybe see if Coran has an opening?”_

“You think?”

* * *

_  
** “How’s your leg today?” ** _

“No pain. You wanna do something?”

_** “Let’s go cryptid hunting.” ** _

_“Fuck yeah.”_

* * *

_  
“Hey, you home?”_

“Nope! Pidge wanted to go cryptid hunting.”

_“Oh, that’s good! Stay out of Galra woods, yeah?”_

“Yep. We’re going to— shit…he signa…”

* * *

_  
“Can anyone get ahold of Keith or Pidge?”_

_ “What? No, why? Are they hurt? Oh my god, what— what if they’re dying?! What if—“ _

** “Stop scaring them. Pidge called to say they’re going cryptid hunting, and that they wouldn’t have any signal.” **

_ “Oh, thank god.” _

_“Okay! Thanks.”_

_Lancey Lance has left the call._

** “RED FUCKING ALERT!“ **

_Lancey Lance has joined the call._

** “SHE SAID KEITH DIED— Oh! Hey, Lance.” **

_“What?!”_

** “Ha... sole. I was waiting for you to come back on to say that.” **

_“I’m gonna fucking kill you.”_

** “COME AT ME, BRO— Holy shit is that you? I’m sorry I didn’t mean it—“ **

_“What?”_

** “So… you’re not at my door?” **

_“No, you dumbass.”_

** “Oh, yeah, it’s just the pizza.” **

_“Murder.”_

_Lancey Lance has left the call._

* * *

  
“Oh, god, I’m so sorry! I lost signal, and I know what happened last—“

_“It’s okay, babe. Matt told us.”_

“Oh, good. Okay.”

_“You okay?”_

“Yeah, we’re good. You should go to sleep, we might be gone for a few more hours.”

_“I’ll wait up. It’s no big deal.”_

“Okay! I’ll see you later.”

_“Love you!”_

* * *

  
”He’s gonna be the death of me, I swear. He said he’d wait up and when I came home I found him fast asleep on the couch with Jaws on the tv, and his shark plush—“

**“I’m banning you from death jokes.”**

“God, that was months ago—“

**“I don’t care.”**

“Fine, whatever.” ****

* * *

  
** “Oh my GOD, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT—“ **

_“It was one of those disney shorts!”_

”I never want to see it again.”

_**“LANCE, WHAT THE HELL—“** _

**_ “Nice.” _ **

**“I’m not sure what to feel.”**

“Consider yourself homeless.”

_ “WHY DID SHE EAT HIM?!” _

_“No, no, no, she didn’t eat him, she ate the dumpling.”_

_ “IT WAS A METAPHOR FOR HER SON.” _

_“Yeah, but it wasn’t him.”_

_ “DOES THAT MEAN SHE WANTS TO EAT HER OWN SON?!” _

_“Oh my god.”_

_Lancey Lance has left the call._

“I’m almost as sad as I was when Spider-man died.”

* * *

_  
“Keith locked me out.”_

**_“Serves you right.”_ **

_“Wow—“_

* * *

_  
“So, uh, when are you gonna let me in?”_

“Never.”

* * *

_  
“KEITH LOCKED ME OUT. CONTROL YOUR BROTHER.”_

**“You deserve it.”**

_“SHIRO—“_

_**“Yeah, yeah. I’ll talk to him.”** _

* * *

****_**  
“Keith—“** _

“Do not give me a lecture. He knows how sensitive I am to movie characters. He knows how sensitive I am to movie characters.”

**”I wasn’t gonna say let him in.”**

”Oh.”

**“Open the door and let him fall.”**

* * *

****_  
“YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING DICK.”_

**“You really do deserve this. Sorry, Lance.”**

_“UGH—“_

* * *

  
“I’ll let you in if you gag me.”

**“What—“**

“SHIT—“

* * *

  
**“Do I need to give you a safe sex talk?”**

_“OH MY GOD—“_

* * *

  
“I’ll let you in if you gag me.”

_“HELL YES.”_

* * *

_  
“I WANNA DANCE WITH—“_

“No.”

_“Please?”_

“...no.”

_“Pretty please? I can show you off to all of those fancy rich people when we dance around the room.”_

“...okay.”

_“YES!”_

* * *

_  
“So, uh, Lance and Keith— are getting married like, right now, you guys might wanna get down here.” _

_**NOT My QUEEN has left the call.** _

**Daddy has left the call.**

** Boats, boats, boats has left the call. **

_** Pigeon has left the call. ** _

_ Cinnamon Role has left the call. _ _  
_

* * *

_ “Why is my name Cinnamon Role? Shouldn’t it be roll?” _

** _“It’s role because Lance can’t fucking spell.”_ **

_“FUCKLE YOULE.”_

_** “See? Can’t pronounce shit, either.” ** _

_“FUCK YOU.”_

_Lancey Lance has left the call._

* * *

  
“You okay?”

_“Yeah! Why?”_

“I thought you were actually mad at Pidge.”

_“Nah.”_

“...okay. Call me if you need me, I’ve got a double shift tonight.”

_“Okay! Love you!”_

_“_ Love you too.”

* * *

  
“God, how did you serve people for so many fucking years—“

_**“Sheer will?”** _

_“_ Ugh. My back hurts so much.”

_**“Mine did too. It’ll get better.”** _

“I hope you’re right.”

_**“I’m always right. Though, if it helps, Lance gives great massages. That’s what got me through it.”** _

“Really?”

_**“Yes.”** _

“Thanks.”

_**“No problem!”** _

* * *

****  
“I heard you give good massages?”

_“Indeed I do. Why, you want a massage from Mr. Magic Hands?”_

“God, please.”

_“And where would you like one?”_

“Everywhere.”

_“Mmm… That’ll cost you.”_

“What’s your price?”

_“Blow— Oh, shit, Hunk’s making me play the game. Love you, bye!”_

* * *

  
“Y-you were very, very, right.”

_**“I can hear the orgasm in your voice. That’s disgusting, Keith.”** _

* * *

****_  
** “You wanna play a game?” ** _

“It’s, like, three in the morning.”

_** “I know.” ** _

“Yeah, alright. I’m gonna kick your ass at Mario Kart.”

_** “You’re on.” ** _

* * *

** ** _  
“So, I saw you passed out on the couch this morning.”_

“And?”

_“And, there was a knife on the table and your arms were bleeding.”_

“...oh.”

_“I thought we talked about this, babe.”_

“...we did.”

_“What happened?”_

“Dunno.”

_“...Okay. We’ll figure this out, but call me if you feel like that again, alright?”_

“Yes, sir.”

_“NOT A YES SIR, NOT A FOLLOWER—“_

“Love you.”

_“Aw, I love you too.”_

* * *

  
**“I think we should find you a therapist.”**

“No— no, it’s okay, really—“

**“It’s not okay, Keith—“**

“It is! I haven’t—“

**“Don’t lie to me, Keith. The therapist I had was great, I could—“**

“No!”

**“Why not?”**

“They— they don’t want to talk to you, and they make you dig through things you don’t want to, only to answer with ‘how does that make you feel?’, and they cost a lot of fucking money—“

**“Keith.”**

“What?”

**“Insurance will pay for most of it, and the therapist I had doesn’t do that. I know you don’t think this, but all therapists care. And mine, well, you can see the result.”**

“...Oh.”

**“Do you want me to set up an appointment?”**

“...could you?”

**“Of course. I love you, Keith, okay? I only want to see you happy and safe.”**

“...okay. I love you too.” ****

* * *

  
_“_ **I got him to accept the therapist.”**

_“Oh, god, thank you so much.”_

**“It’s not a problem. And Lance?”**

_“Yeah?”_

**“Thanks for taking care of Keith.”**

_“...no problem.”_

* * *

_  
“Did you and Keith ever get married?” _

_“God, no. I was smashed that night and Keith managed to talk me out of it while you were in the bathroom. Why?”_

_ “Apparently Shay can officiate your wedding, if you want.” _

_“I WANT!”_

_ “Good to hear! I’ll let her know?” _

_“Hell yeah.”_

* * *

_  
“As much as I want a beach wedding, the only ones I’ve seen online are absolute disasters.”_

“What do you mean?”

_“I mean, wind knocks over the tents—“_

“Nail them down.”

_“Blows sand into the cake—“_

“Put a case over it.”

_“Blows around the wedding dress—“_

“You think either of us’ll be in a dress?”

_“...Good point. But, the sand gets everywhere.”_

“So we’ll do it in a building beside the beach and have the perfect weather. Does that work?”

_“But—“_

“Do you want to have it somewhere else?”

_“Not really.”_

“Then stop worrying. I’ll figure it out. You should focus on the decorations, and the food, and—“

_“Right, okay! I love you! Bye!”_

“Love you, too.“

* * *

  
“Did you know Cotten Eye Joe is about STD’s?”

_“Where did it come from, where did it go, where did it come from, STD’s—“_

* * *

  
“Why is that song on our wedding playlist?”

_“Why not?”_

“You’re insufferable.”

_“But you love me!”_

“Yeah, I do.”

* * *

_  
“Honey—“_

“If you ask me where your fucking supersuit is, you can forget about it! I’ve been slaving over this fucking stove for three years and this is the appreciation I get? The fucking audacity! I’ve been working on this meal for three years, only for you to go out on the very night it’s finished and get yourself killed! You know what the secret ingredient is? YOUR SUPER SUIT. Have fun fighting bad guys naked and with an empty fucking stomach!”

_Laughter._

* * *

_  
“I love my fiancé.”_

_ “Well, that’s good. I’d be surprised if you didn’t.” _

_“I was gonna quote Incredibles, again, and when I said honey, he went on this long rant and I’m— god, it was so funny. I love him.”_

_ “I’m glad he makes you happy.” _

_“Me too. How’re you and Shay?”_

_ “We’re great! I’m thinking about asking her to move in, to be honest. We’re typically at one of our apartments, anyways, and mine has more space than hers.” _

_“That’s awesome, dude!”_

_ “I know! I’m so excited but I’m also super nervous to ask. What if she says no?” _

_“Pfft, nah. Any girl would be a fool to turn you down, and Shay’s no fool.”_

_ “...I guess you’re right.” _

_“Humble.”_

_ “Oh, please, like you’re any better.” _

_“Excuse you! I will have you know—“_

_ “I’m hanging up, Bye, Lance.” _

_“Bye!”_

_***_  
“Where are you?”

_“At work. They’re holding me overtime for some meeting. God, I’m so tired.”_

“Aw, I’m sorry. Anything specific for dinner?”

_“...Chinese? But, like, the good place.”_

“Yeah, okay. Good luck!”

_“You’re so fucking perky at night.”_

“I love you too.”

* * *

_  
“What the hell is your browser history, babe?”_

“...What do you mean?”

_“Fluff, Castiel x Dean?”_

“I just want them to be happy!”

_“...you’re not even past season two, babe.”_

“So?!”

_“You’re such a weirdo.”_

_“Your_ weirdo.”

_“...I guess.”_

“WOW—“

_“Nah, you got a shiny ring to prove it.”_

“I do, you dick.”

“Your _dick.”_

“Mmm, I dunno—“

_“Babe—“_

“Alright, fine. I love you.”

_“Love you too!”_

* * *

_  
“THIS FUCKING EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRL FROM JAPAN CALLED ME A LOSER FOR MAKING A BOMB ON LITTLE BIG PLANET.”_

“Maybe she wanted you to make a house, not a bomb to blow it up.”

_“SO?! I WAS MAKING A BOMB. LITTLE BIG PLANET IS FOR BOMBS AND DISTASTER, NOT HOUSES—“_

_**“Oh my god, that was me.”** _

_“ALLURA, WHAT THE FUCK?”_

_**“I guessed it was you by your name, and Shiro taught me Japanese.”** _

_“I’ve been betrayed, by my own queen…”_

_**“I thought I wasn’t your queen anymore.”** _

_“SAME DIFFERENCE.”_

_“Not really—“_

_“OH, SO NOW YOU TALK?”_

_Keith has left the call._

_**“Oof.”** _

_“Ha! I saw that headshot.”_

**“I just heard a loud yell of fuck on your end.”**

_“Yep, that was Keith. He thinks I didn’t see it.”_

* * *

_“Hey, guys! Our wedding’s on November 13th, and if any of you don’t show, I’ll hunt you down and eat your children for breakfast! Thanks!”_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> !!! yes, it was a little wild, and a lot of thenrandom things were things i saw (ex: the motorcycle (i was in newbrunswick, they were from virginia), my friend and i were texting and a japanese eight year old girl was pissed at her for making a bomb when she wanted to build a house, etc)  
> anyways!!!!! i hope you enjoy, and i have something else planned for this series <3  
> kudos arengreatly appreciates, but u dontnhave to uwu <3
> 
> see you next fic!


End file.
